Random thoughts on Norway

LET'S BOUNCE: For some reason, Norwegians seem to own a lot of trampolines. I know, it sounds strange, but I've seen plenty Norwegian yards in my time here, and an awful lot of these yards feature big, blue trampolines. I have formulated a few theories as to why this might be the case:

• Norwegians have difficulty understanding the Theory of Gravity, and the only way they can grasp it is by empirically observing its results. They do this by repeatedly attempting to launch their bodies into deep space, only to be pulled back to Earth each time. What device makes all this possible? You guessed it: the trampoline. After spending several weeks bouncing away perplexedly, the Norwegian eventually has an epiphany, and the Theory of Gravity is understood. He/she then celebrates with a $12 beer.
• In order to remain outdoors for any length of time, Norwegians must remain in bouncy perpetual motion in order to avoid the hordes of pterodactyl-like mosquitos.
• Norwegian women like to welcome overseas visitors by donning skimpy clothing, bouncing on trampolines, and giggling, a la The Man Show's "Girls Jumping on Trampolines." (I am still waiting for this to happen).

THE GASP: This one truly perplexes me. You know how when Americans have a conversation with somebody, they might say "yeah" or "uh huh" as an expression of affirmation, or simply to let the speaker know he/she is listening? Well, in Norway, they don't say "yeah" or "uh huh," even when they're speaking English. Instead, they make a bizarre noise that I have never heard anywhere else. It's basically a combination of "yah" and a quick gasp. It's like they're trying to say "yah," but they get confused and inhale instead of exhale. When I first heard this sound, I thought I was saying something shocking or offensive, which surprised me because I figured train schedules would be the last thing to offend anybody. Then I started hearing people using it EVERYWHERE! If someone can explain this to me, please do.

KRONER? I HARDLY EVEN KNOW HER!: The kroner (crown) is the Norwegian unit of currency. I hate to beat a dead horse, but if you ever visit Norway, don't get to attached to them as you'll be parting company with an awful lot of kroners in various denominations. While here, I asked around and determined that Norway is almost unanimously regarded as the most expensive country in Scandinavia (including Iceland). I also found out (from people who had visited both countries) that Japan is slightly cheaper than Norway. This settled it for me: Norway is, without a doubt, the most expensive country on the planet. I mean, think about it. The only other countries that could possibly come close would be the other Scandinavian countries and Japan, and Norway apparently bests them all. Most Norwegians don't seem too worried about this, probably because they (or their government, at least) are sitting on a ridiculous amount of oil wealth. Another mind-boggling example of how expensive it is here: On more than one occasion, I have paid the equivalent of $1.54 to use a pay toilet. I shit you not (pun definitely intended).

THE ARYAN NATION: Norway has the reputation of being chock full of beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed people. I found this to be only partially true. I will say that Norway certainly has a higher per-capita allocation of physical beauty than most places I have lived in or visited, but I was also surprised to find a large number of rather homely bumpkins running about. On several occasions, I was unable to tell whether an individual was a native Norwegian or a German tourist (not a good thing). So, in my opinion, the overall beauty title resides with...Denmark. If you have read my previous posts, you probably gathered that I was, shall we say, "smitten" with the Danish womenfolk. I have decided (and I think archeological and anthropological evidence will bear this out) that Denmark is the "nexus of hotness" in Europe: the epicenter from which European beauty radiates. I will be publishing my findings in the next issue of "Nature."